I kept telling everyone I wasn’t hopeful and I wasn’t expecting my CT Myelogram to be anything but negative.. I kept telling myself not to be dissapointed or upset. It’s hard to listen to yourself sometimes. I went in for my follow up appointment with my neurosurgeon the other day and was completely calm, nerve free, and not hopeful at all. So why.. oh why.. did I cry when he told me the news I completely expected? I can tell you why… Because no matter how much you tell yourself not to get your hopes up you always do. Am I right?

So I’m a little dissapointed, very overwhelmed, and pretty frustrated. It’s going to be ok, though. I will get through this.. I just have to keep moving forward. After all, that’s all anyone CAN do, right? I have been in chronic pain for three years now officially this month. I would give anything to get some answers, but I don’t think they will ever come. I am going to a new pain doc in the area who is anesthesia trained, fellowship trained, and they say that this is the only clinic of their kind south of UVA. I am hopeful that he will have some great ideas and be willing and able to help me. That appointment is Dec. 13th. A part of me wonders if any of this pain is somehow related to my PTSD. I have read a lot of information suggesting that chronic pain is sometimes a psychosomatic release of the trauma in some PTSD patients. It’s an interesting thought.

On a different note, I came home that day very motivated to get back to working out and lose this last 30lbs. I started day 1 of 90 of Chalean Extreme that night, started wearing my BodyBugg again (now I just need to start tracking my food,) and I will be starting to walk with my dad at night as well. Today is an off day for the workouts, so hopefully I will be getting a walk in tonight. I would definitely be happy to lose some weight, both for the physical and the aesthetic benefits!

Everytime you get up and get back in the race, One more small piece of you starts to fall into place.

Cause when push comes to shove, you taste what you’re made of. You might bend ’til you break cause it’s all you can take.

On your knees, you look up, decide you’ve had enough. You get mad. You get STRONG. Wipe your hands, shake it off.. Then you STAND! -Rascal Flatts