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I have spent so much time out of work and in pain that my body has gotten used to being unable to sleep at night, sleeping in all day, and being overall very lazy. I haven’t exercised or ran in over a year. My insomnia is getting progressively worse, even on the meds I take now. I need to get my body into a normal rhythm again.

My goals:

1. Start setting an alarm to wake up at a normal time and try to get my body used to a regular schedule.

2. Clean my room and create a more open workout space.

3. Visit the storage unit to pick up my handweights. I can’t use them right now but I want them here for use in the near future.

4. Work on my resume. It’s time to get myself into the mental place where I can start job hunting as my back continues to improve.

5. Fix my phone or replace it, depending on what it needs. I can’t live without my calendar and todo list on me at all times!

6. Continue to log all foods eaten in my food journal. Purchase a Body bugg when it goes on sale again after I get my refund check from school.

7. Work on the paperwork I have been avoiding for over a month. No more procrastinating.

8. Look into becoming a BeachBody coach. I love their products, I love the company, I love helping people. Why wouldn’t I want to try it?

9. Speak to my therapist about EMDR or referring me to a trained EMDR therapist. I will try to post a blog with more EMDR info soon.

10. Continue to make lists like this every day. You never get anywhere without goals. Goals are useless if you don’t work toward them daily. Let’s do this!

So It’s rare that I have a day where I feel productive, relatively stress free, in control, and fairly pain free. Today has been one of those days.

Last night my son and I finished his most recent chapter book The Knight at Dawn by Mary Pope Osbourne. He is in first grade and is reading second grade books. I’m so proud of him! We had a mommy/son sleepover and he slept in my bed and we made plans to make a whole morning of fun out of taking his Accelerated Reading test on the book. We decided that we would get up in time to get Hardee’s for breakfast and then I would drive him to school and sit with him in the library while he took his test. So… I woke up with him this morning and as usual was in immense pain but forced myself to push through it and got up and started getting dressed to go with him. While in the bathroom I set my newest (i’ve replaced 2!!) Iphone on a towel and was brushing my teeth. Ethan excitedly grabbed the towel to wipe his mouth and my wonderful new shiney beautiful Iphone went flying into the TOILET!!!!!

Now.. Usually I would freak out. I handle stress very poorly and have an immensely irrational temper. I would usually scream at him inappropriately and freak him out. This morning, for some reason, I was able to jump right to grabbing it, rinsing it off, and throwing it into a bag of rice. I didn’t yell at him or anything! I mean.. It’s not his fault I put it there. Should he have been more careful? Sure. Is it his fault? No. So because I was able to find it in me to hold back my irrational anger problems and actually do something productive with my panic instead we were able to have a great morning and go on to do what we had planned.

I’m still super upset that my Iphone is possibly ruined, but I’m not having an anxiety attack about it like I usually would.

My panic and anxiety attacks all stem from my trauma and depression. I have always had a bit of a temper.. but I used to be able to control it. Since the marriage and the abuse in it I have found it almost impossible to control my anger. It’s something I am learning slowly. When I was running regularly I found my mood stabilized and calmer and my depression was minimal. I also did a lot of home fitness.. yoga, TurboJam, P90x, etc. I haven’t been exercising since my most recent injury and my depression and moodiness has been completely out of control. I have also put on 27 lbs since the injury (that’s in just 9 short months!)!!! I am finally seeing some relief from the steroid injections I have been receiving and I am hoping that VERY SOON I will be able to conquer my fear of hurting my back and start back with some yoga and Turbo (I LOVE Turbo!!!)

Also on my list.. a body bugg! I am super excited that I will be getting my disbursement check from my student loan and I am seriously contemplating investing in one. It’s time to put myself first. It’s time to start making consciously good decisions about my health and wellness. I have a physical next week and I am going to ask for a prescription for Chantix. I have tried multiple times to quit using patches but I always end up finding something that stresses me out enough to start again… usually within a few days of my quit date. That’s got to stop too!

If you don’t take care of yourself, who will? ┬áIt’s time for me to start living by that thought!