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So It’s rare that I have a day where I feel productive, relatively stress free, in control, and fairly pain free. Today has been one of those days.

Last night my son and I finished his most recent chapter book The Knight at Dawn by Mary Pope Osbourne. He is in first grade and is reading second grade books. I’m so proud of him! We had a mommy/son sleepover and he slept in my bed and we made plans to make a whole morning of fun out of taking his Accelerated Reading test on the book. We decided that we would get up in time to get Hardee’s for breakfast and then I would drive him to school and sit with him in the library while he took his test. So… I woke up with him this morning and as usual was in immense pain but forced myself to push through it and got up and started getting dressed to go with him. While in the bathroom I set my newest (i’ve replaced 2!!) Iphone on a towel and was brushing my teeth. Ethan excitedly grabbed the towel to wipe his mouth and my wonderful new shiney beautiful Iphone went flying into the TOILET!!!!!

Now.. Usually I would freak out. I handle stress very poorly and have an immensely irrational temper. I would usually scream at him inappropriately and freak him out. This morning, for some reason, I was able to jump right to grabbing it, rinsing it off, and throwing it into a bag of rice. I didn’t yell at him or anything! I mean.. It’s not his fault I put it there. Should he have been more careful? Sure. Is it his fault? No. So because I was able to find it in me to hold back my irrational anger problems and actually do something productive with my panic instead we were able to have a great morning and go on to do what we had planned.

I’m still super upset that my Iphone is possibly ruined, but I’m not having an anxiety attack about it like I usually would.

My panic and anxiety attacks all stem from my trauma and depression. I have always had a bit of a temper.. but I used to be able to control it. Since the marriage and the abuse in it I have found it almost impossible to control my anger. It’s something I am learning slowly. When I was running regularly I found my mood stabilized and calmer and my depression was minimal. I also did a lot of home fitness.. yoga, TurboJam, P90x, etc. I haven’t been exercising since my most recent injury and my depression and moodiness has been completely out of control. I have also put on 27 lbs since the injury (that’s in just 9 short months!)!!! I am finally seeing some relief from the steroid injections I have been receiving and I am hoping that VERY SOON I will be able to conquer my fear of hurting my back and start back with some yoga and Turbo (I LOVE Turbo!!!)

Also on my list.. a body bugg! I am super excited that I will be getting my disbursement check from my student loan and I am seriously contemplating investing in one. It’s time to put myself first. It’s time to start making consciously good decisions about my health and wellness. I have a physical next week and I am going to ask for a prescription for Chantix. I have tried multiple times to quit using patches but I always end up finding something that stresses me out enough to start again… usually within a few days of my quit date. That’s got to stop too!

If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?  It’s time for me to start living by that thought!


So I finally moved a few blog posts over from my former blog (which is located at

I only moved three.. they seemed to be the most important to me to have on here.  As I have said in those last few posts, I am hoping to make this a place for people to come to see that there are other people struggling with the same problems and inner conflict as I have.

I saw my therapist last week and reported nothing but seemingly good news. My new antidepressants are kicking in and I am feeling about 50% better. I have noticed I have had less anxiety attacks lately. I was really feeling great when I saw her on tuesday.

… And then the week happened. It’s so funny how much what’s going on around you and in your life can directly affect your emotional status. The last two weeks have been rough. My best friend suffered a severe concussion on Christmas eve and I have been to the ER with her twice. The last time was this past sunday and she got admitted to the hospital. I spent the night with her there for two nights, got her home tuesday afternoon and settled into my house to recover. That night I got a phone call and had to go check on a friend who was almost 90 days sober. Unfortunately when I arrived he was very drunk and told me he had taken a lot of Klonopin. I had to call an ambulance and spent the night in the ER again.. This time all night I was awake, calming him down, keeping him from getting loud, etc. I got three hours of sleep that night.

Friday I had a steroid injection into my SacroIliac joint. This was my second injection. The first one was a month ago and when she gave it to me she told me there was a 24 hour numbing medication mixed in it to help keep me comfortable after the injection. I had a few good weeks where I was taking less meds than I usually do and then it quickly switched to extreme pain the week before my next shot appointment. Unfortunately it didn’t go so smoothly this time. I got my shot friday morning and spent the rest of the weekend wishing I could just rip the whole joint apart to somehow make it stop. I described it to my dad tonight perfectly. It felt like she took a 5 inch needle that was 1 inch thick, shoved it in between the sacroiliac joint, jerked it around trying to tear stuff up in there, and then injected a half a cup of lead into it. All weekend every time I would stand up from a sitting position I would have this severe tearing sensation in my bum and SI joint. It was very odd and very painful.

So to return to my original point…

All of the events of the last week have really taken a toll on my emotional health. I am feeling a big surge in my depression and I have been very anxious lately. I am definitely hopeful that it will pass and I will soon be back to feeling better. I have been nursing my sick friend 24/7 lately as well and I have gotten on her sleep schedule from her meds. She has been sleeping until 12pm because of the medications she takes at night and then she is up till after midnight since she slept all day. Since I have been with her every day for the last two weeks and sleeping in the same bed it has made my sleep schedule follow hers. I am certain that the crazy sleep schedule is also attributing to my depression surge. I need to get that sorted out soon too.

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